This is where I scream FML. (look ma, no swearing!)

So the other day.. the two girls were at the neighbours having a play date.. Baby and the older boy were napping.. so I asked Laura what she wanted me to do to help. She gave me an answer.. but now I feel something vaguely like an elderly retiree, living in Florida. I had no alligators, thank god.

I watered the lawn.

Now I don't know about anyone elses feeling about this.. but this is how I feel:

Shut the hell up.

I mean... If you're that worried, buy a sprinkler and tell your kids to grab their bathing suits. (Oh wait.. we don't do that here! Country Club memberships are what we do around here.. at least the food is decent.) To make matters worse... a neighbour down the street, who has got to be 80.. (with pink/red hair. no lie.) was out watering her lawn!

GAHHHHHH.

Strike me with thunder now pleaaase!

F. M. L. Seriously.

As well.. since I metioned country clubs.. what 6 year old needs to have a country club birthday? Its not like they play golf. Idiots.

But yet... thats where I was on Tuesday. All these moms in their dresses, dads in Khakis and button ups, kids screaming and running around. A few AuPairs running after them. Lovely.

ps. these moms... at 35+ are hot. Some of these dads.. are umm.. they're not unfortunate looking. Some are actually good-looking, but still... minus the plastic surgery some of them have had.. and, I hate to break it to you.. but it really does look like you married for money m'dears.

Did I say that out loud?

Strange.

June 12th-ish

I spent three days at an orientation in Conneticut. (I pulled out my twin sets and pearls, no worries m'dears) I spent 8 hours or more a day being taught about the culture of the states, how people raise children and act towards and with children here, some CPR and major (I mean constannnnttt!) advice on how to get along with host parents.

Ok, great!

I feel I can talk to my host parents, they're friendly.. we're getting along great...

No one ever mentioned what to do when the children want nothing to do with you for an entire week straight.

HELLLO? Suggestions anyone??

New baby came home.. so I am assuming that eventually we will get back on track... It is hard because everyone wants mommy, and new baby NEEDS mommy and she is busy and they're dying for attention.

Ok well on what level, pal, is it now ok for you to smack me when I have to help you!? Since when did it become kosher for me to recieve the dirty looks I'm getting? First of all, you're damn well six years old. You're not even supposed to know what evil eyes and dirty looks are!

shit!

June17th-ish

First off, I am trying to eat dinner here.

I had a GREAT day with all three of the children today. They were giggly, having fun, climbing on me again, it was back to being like my first two weeks. My middle girl only got mad once because I told her it was not ok to be a bad loser, and you can't always win. (hard concept actually... but still, gott learn it..)

All is going super well. Kids are all in bed, My host mom has gone out for dinner with some girlfriends with baby.. everyone is happy. I am eating dinner, my host dad is on the phone with work. Love it. Ok, flash forward, almost done eating, Host dad turns around looking for a conversation. Half an hour to 45 minutres later I have been told 12 different ways that they want to ... "redefine my role" ok, great.. lets chat. "you're... a play mate. we want you to love our children unconditionally and have that great bond that kids love... you're the 'good guy'. We want you to be the one that just has fun and lets them get away with more. We're here to be the 'bad guys' and discipline".

Fantastic! I just love being a 20 year old living breathing jungle gym! Can't wait!

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I am super thrilled tyou respect me for taking on four children at 20 to hang out with all day long. I am fully aware this is going to be a transition for me. Are you listening to what I am saying?!

I have never once asked your children to do anything I have not already seen you ask them to do. And if they are doing something to me... I am now asked, politely, to let you deal with it? Yeah, and when your in your office, doors shut on the phone, and I am in the basement being accidentally suffocated with pillows because your three year old wants to build me a fort... Well i'll just carry on.. wait for you to come down and notice that he needs to be redirected and told that the pillows can't go on my face. No big deal. I'll just keep a tab on my hospital bills.

When your child wants to read a book, and he throws it onto the bed where I am sitting, and I get it in the eye... AGAIN... I will quietly remember... Oh yes, My host parents do not want me to discipline their children. So I will not remind the child that throwing books is dangerous, and my dying of pain left eyeball.. well jeez. He'll be fine. Why am I crying? its just a big hardcover book. Stupid Sammy Salami.

la ti da de daa.

FML. What they F do you want me to do when you're both gone out for the night? I have NO authority. And when I have asked your children 30 times to get pajamas on and brush teeth and grab a book and climb into be and on and on and on.. and they will not..? Well, I'll just sit and wait while they call the neighbours over for a circus party.

11 pm when you come home.. bonfire, living room.

Don't forget some extra marshmellows please, we've run out.

Ok. Great talk. See you in the morning.

Could have been a lady...

Apparently you may not swear in blogs... I was not previously aware of this fact.

shit.

I do not feel that this is going to be as interesting as I hoped. The shenanigans I could get into in highschool and college were much more interesting then any I have gotten up to lately..
...although the fact that I could be deported for anything illegal is a remarkable deterent let me tell you...

But this is it, and I hope you are happy with me.

In the past month I have made approximately 8 new friends, none from the same, or even a smiliar country to my own. In one month I have only managed to make three friends in my immediate area. shit. I mean...

On the plus side... I have also managed to get lost in a museum (funny thing, MULTIPLE museum guards and curators do not enjoy giving directions to the same girl four times.. and all I wanted was the damn cafe!), walked into a tree, a solid wood bedframe and clearly something else or two, because I have had more then one bruise.
I have gained 5 pounds form the copious amounts of "childrens" food I have taken up as a diet and harboured a new addiction to Starbucks. I may never hang out with 3, 5 and 6 year olds again. I lost more weight in my first year of college. WTF??
I am in dire need, I feel, of some friends. and possibly a hobby, to get my butt out of the house.
Any suggestions?

xox
-M